The Theft of one's umbrella / by Humperty Dumperty

To rob a man of his umbrella is bad form indeed. I am the victim of such a crime and however minor a crime it might seem, it is a crime, nevertheless. The insult becomes somewhat more injurious when you factor in that my beloved gave it to me. The injurious insult amplifies to near murderous levels, however, when you add to the equation the fact that this beautiful umbrella was taken kicking and screaming, kidnapped no less, from an umbrella stand at a restaurant that I have helped keep afloat with my over indulgence over the years and to make matters even worse (unimaginable, I know) the head of security there couldn't be less interested in the apprehension of the perpetrator of this heinous act. Surely Mr Head of Security at the Maritime Hotel in NYC, if you're not part of the solution you most certainly are a part of the problem and I suggest you might try your hand at something less challenging to you than keeping an eye on the general well being of your very good customers and their possessions. Perhaps you might like a term working at Duane Reed or other place of employ that prefers such sharp thinkers as yourself. Either way, get some bloody security cameras on the premises and watch those instead of The Love Boat or whatever idiotic rerun is keeping your attention away from the despatch of your paid responsibilities. You've lost another customer.