Thanksgiving, Lunch and some outsourced digestion / by Humperty Dumperty

Having over consumed food and wine this Thanksgiving, I found myself simply unable to move. I felt so hideously handicapped with immobility that my brain actually started trying to find illogical solutions to the problem. The desperation to have this large alien body of food in me be somehow removed from my person, to free me once more to move my arms and legs like anybody else, was real and urgent. Not unlike, perhaps, the feeling of a woman who’s been pregnant for 12 months. So as my brain lunged and lurched at possible options that might have given me some reprieve I alighted at my next new business venture. The external stomach – much like an external hard drive – could be plugged into our sides and carried along in a stylish leather pouch much like those wonderful under armpit gun holsters that I so admire in Starsky And Hutch and other superb American police television programs. Your luncheon partners would be none the wiser as to your keeping an external stomach and would simply think that you are armed with a large pistol instead. Any overflow from your real stomach would be subtly “whisper pumped” (I’ve applied for patent) off to the other one. This would allow for far longer lunches and rather than having to digest it all there and then you could choose where and when to do so, drip feeding yourself the accumulated nutrients bit by bit throughout the day or night, depending on your preferences and settings. Imagine how empowered you will feel, to have taken control over how you want to eat. To be able to say “Waiter! May I have another steak and bottle of red wine please?” Next time you have a large lunch, ask yourself how you might feel if you reduced that full up feeling by say, 40%. And how about another ice cream whilst you’re at it?